Very clever advert

Some marketing person deserves a payraise.

Lost!

Has anybody seen my foo-foo? I'm sure I left it around here somewhere.

Biscuits

I just had a digestive biscuit, now I want another.
They're so good when dipped in tea, the tasty motherfucker.

I'm off to be a fireman, cyas

zamg

Whales

Honk my horn!
Honk my horn!
Honk my horny horny horn!



ah.. such good times!
All i did was search for Horny Horny on youtube! You get out of life what you put in.
What? I was looking for a song you preverts. Not my fault they name their songs Horny

'tis the song, goes like it is

My heart goes -

SHALA LA LA LA!

Shala la in the eeeeveeeniiing!!

Trumpet-ninja

Trumpet-ninjas: Usually seen in Hungary, but also occasionally in the eastern parts of Austria, trumpet-ninjas are men that surprise-attack other, defenceless men by doing blowjobs on them. They then play a happy tune on the saxophone they always carry, and then run off in a prancing fashion. Trumpet-ninjas are very active in April and May, which is their mating season.



Come on then, explain a foreign word!

She's covered in it!

She's covered in vomit and human faeces,
That's how I know that she needs me.

Stickitin

I sorta made a tune up for this in my head, but I can't really explain how it goes.
It's like a mix of country music and the troubadour melodies from Disney's Robin Hood.



It has been a few days since I posted here
but don't you worry my darling dear
don't you never worry or have no fear
'coz when you need help then I'll be there

when evil darkness is on your door
butchered dolls on your kitchen floor
neighbour's making your bum go sore
you lose your job in the grocery store

Then I'll be comin' around for you
These words that I say are all so true
there's no one else for me but you
just call for me when you're feeling blue

I'll be there like a knight of old
shining armour and heart so bold
But wait too long and I'll be bald
then I'll really be like a knight of old

Some people say I'm a useless man
a man who neither wills nor can
"You and your dog are of the same bad brand"
They mock me 'coz I don't own no land

(Well actually I do own some land,
but it's only an acre, and it's down in
Montenegro so I don't talk much about it)

But I don't care what they say of me
I don't need to leave a legacy
My spirit's unbound and my mind is free
and that is all I demand from me

2 girls, 1 cup

Newz

On the news today:

"Danes drink beer all the time."


What? News?

Learn some intelligence

I learned some things this week. Five things, in fact - not four, and not six. Indeed, my intelligence increased by five (it almost doubled). Because I am such a generous person, I now pass this knowledge on to you. Use it well, use it wisely, but most of all, use it responsibly, for with great knowledge comes great headache.

1) Rosé is to wine what a latte is to coffee and what cordon bleu is to meat: french, and gayer than an Elton John tea party. Don't ever consume this shit in public. But if you're all alone, nothing to do, some blues on in the background and you're feeling all Marvin Gaye...

2) I own at guitar hero. I absolutely, completely own at it. I do not, however, own it. I have to go over to a friend and use his copy :(

3) A fridge only cools if the temperature outside the fridge is higher than the intended temperature inside. If it isn't, it actually warms stuff up. But it doesn't make tea.

4) Sometimes, you can wittily say "it's not rocket science" with your nose high up in the air, looking down at the uneducated fool below trying to make sense of the world around him. Sometimes, however, you cannot. For example: when launching rockets.

5) It is socially acceptable to respond violently to the following questions:
"So, you work here now?" (when at work)
"So this is where you live?" (when at home)
"Do you smoke?" (when smoking)

No shit Sherlock!

teats

boob and boob is the same but backwards.

So is tit!

From the mouth of Bob

A teenage boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?"
Granny: "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

From Bob. The true Bob, the only Bob.

Let's spacdance!

The people has (have?) spoken, spacdance is the superesttime ever.

More poetry

While riding on a bus, last June,
A man claimed he was from the moon,
A smart dressed man, with hat and cloak.
At first I thought it was a joke!
And sure, this bold statement was,
in all clearness, ridiculous!
And so, belief was hard to muster.
Shit! He was the bus conductor.

"What the fuck?!" I asked him clearly,
"Surely you don't mean? Sincerely?"
"To yourself, in all your splendour,
gracious as you are, I tender
questions to you, so you see,
to ascertain validity
of your bold statement, let me know.
You say you're from the moon? How so?!"

"I fell from satellite", he'd tell,
"And naked through the sky I fell,
past cloud and bird and lightning rod
until my limber frame hit sod.
I pulled myself up, gained composure,
brushed off mud and seeked enclosure
for it was a breezy night,
so cold, my chest was feeling tight."

"This grand station, i did approach.
'Twas full of taxi, bus and coach!
I ventured in, for it was warm,
and stumbled on this uniform
just laying there, all unattended.
and I thought 'well, this looks splendid!'
'I shall dress myself. My aim?
To warmify my chilly frame!'"

"What happened next?" I asked the guy,
while looking him straight in the eye.
"I got this job with some persuasion.
Well, I dressed for the occasion!"
"Oh!" I said with best intention,
"And what of this moon you mention?"
"Oh, please don't be so aloof!"
the man responded. "Here's the proof!"

With baited breath, I waited, waited
"In my pocket here!" he stated
In he reached, with stubby hand.
He fumbled for a while, and
eventually his arm raised up
and in his palm, he'd gently cup
a stone. "Look! IT IS MY MOON ROCK!"
and I replied, "You fucking cock."

Pooetry

If you kick me in the crotch,
I will rape you with my watch.
If you punch me in the face,
I will set your hair ablaze.

If you stab me in the eye,
I can promise you you'll fry.
If you shoot me in the knee,
I will hit you with a tree.


And if you EVER use the f-word again,
I'll just kill you really.

Trumpet

We all like to blow our own trumpet, once in a while.

Was it you?

Did you leave your shit on my desk? Was it you? Well I don't see anyone else around here so it must've been you! Why'd you leave your shit on my desk?

Whales

Popcorn in your bra gives you salty tits...

and bitemarks.

Cabbage

Oh I smoked a roll of cabbage
and the cabbage it was fine
after that I had some pudding
and then I had a glass of wine

But the wine was made of towels
it had a very clothy taste
but I still had to drink it
couldn't let it go to waste

So I sat there with my wine glass
I held it firmly in my hand
I admired the decoration
it was from another land

It was from the land of squabble
where no one ever could agree
did wine come from towels
or from a tiny centipede

Freestylaah

RRrrr--drdrr accka macka fo-h !!

Question

I woke up on the couch this morning, the contents of a box of cereal all over my floor. There is a picture of a donkey on my desktop, and four cartons of milk in my fridge.

WHAT did I do last night? I hope I'm not pregnant.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
While wiping his chin,
He said with a grin,

"If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it."



If I say that I made that, I'm lying.

Say what?

Naga, please! Say what?

Words that are related to aviation, but sound sexual:

• Flaps
• Undercarriage
• Cockpit
• Joystick
• Banking
  
• Rudder
• Tail
• Bucket Fanny
  

Jamba Mobile Disco

He said that he was all set for some disco
wore a hat shaped just like San Fransisco
Took his little girl by the hand - to take her to dance
Got told off at the door - 'aint on the list, boy 'ya haf'ta book in advance'

Lights were flashing from the intersection
it was a night just set for perfection
but with dancing shoes itching, they could not be without
put some music on and danced off in the roundabout

Heeeeeeeeello

Everybody sing along now - to the tune of Celine Dion's - My Heart will go On

Every night in my dreams
I see you. I feeeeeeeel you
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces betweeeeeeeen us
You have come to show you go on

Neeeeaaaaaaaaaar. Faaaaaaaaar.

Wait.

That is Celine Dion!

I am Celine Dion!

Whales

Molly Molly Mus!

Fap

Bottom slap
anal crap
shit on tap
cockrape-trap
morning fap
I love you in the face

IKEA

I rarely go to IKEA
'cause I'm so pro
and I don't have a ho
for as we all know
they love to go
to go to IKEA